As much as I hate to cop to this, Ed pretty much ran the show by now. His Brother had made contact for us with a real estate person. She had found us a duplex in a neighborhood that was actually quite nice. Be it luck or the Lord, Ed lucked out and landed a job with 3M Company in a janitorial position reasonably soon after we settled in. He made a fair wage, and I went to work with a Collection agency, oh how I hated that job. I walked around most of the time in a fog of my own making. I did not want to see anything wrong happening in our world. In a reasonably short period, Heather made a move to Texas with us. She went through her Senior Year at a high school in Austin. I think that the first year or so here in Texas was without a huge event.
Ed managed to hold his job at 3M, and we managed to buy a charming house in a small rural town called Lago Vista just outside of Austin. After several years we had found some really close friends that, If you asked any of them today, would tell you that they never had a clue as to what really went on in our house. They, for the most part, adored Ed; he was funny, generous, and all-around a good friend. He was “all that and a bag of chips “ to everyone but me. That is how it works in the Sociopaths world. People loved coming to our house; it was like a constant party.
Ed had made friends with a guy named Dan, who was a contract person working in the same building as Ed. Dan would end up being the “straw that would brake the camel's back” One day, Ed brought Dan home with him. Dan was a transplant moving to Texas from Georgia, and by that night, Dan became a resident of our house. Dan was to stay just until he could find his own place. It was not unusual for me to have someone staying with me until they could “FIND THEMSELVES.” Even as a teen, I would bring strays home, be it animal or human. All my roommates throughout the years could be a book all on its own. What was to be a short period turned out to be a very LONG time. The exact timeframe eludes me right now, but at some point, Heather and Dan became an item. He was 10 years older than her, but for them, it worked.
Dan had a great engineering mind. Ed and Dan sharing the same hobby of being marijuana connoisseurs, decided to set up a hydroponic system and grew some of the prettiest Marijuana plants around, even I loved those plants. There was something about going to the garage and pruning those flowers that were peaceful times. I will never forget the night that an argument started with a neighbor down the road. She threatened to turn them in for their garden in our garage. I watch two grown men (well, so-called grown) break down in tears that were worthy of an Academy Award. The tears flowed as they pulled each plant and threw it in a burn pile downhill alongside our house. The whole damn neighborhood smelled like skunk !! As it turned out, it was a false alarm, and she never did turn them in. One thing you can always count on is, things just keep on keepin’ on until they don’t.
I had become almost perfect using humor to cover my misery. Humor is commonly used as a shield to hide from anyone seeing the pain, hurt, and self-loathing that goes on inside of people like me. I found that throughout the years, I learned that to survive, you need lots of coping skills. There is that relentless need to be accepted by everyone that is so exhausting.
(https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2016/What-You-Need-to-Know-About-Smiling-Depression%E2%80%9D This link is an excellent article describing that phenomenon.)
I pushed myself and every bit of energy I could muster to meet that goal. Ed had convinced me that I was not worthy of a loving relationship. He made me feel like no one with a right mind would want me. I believed it, and it fed my depression and anxiety to the brim. He took on my Mother's role. There are always those childhood experiences that manage to stay with you forever, and he triggered those memories for me.
It took 6 years to surface, but Ed moved from marijuana to a full-blown relapse of alcohol, cocaine, and prostitutes. You would think that anyone with half a brain would cut and run by now. You would have thought that I would have had an epiphany by now about what kind of life I had dragged my girls through. How many more times would I see Krista under the kitchen table? I am sure wondering if this is the time she would lose a parent. Then there was Heather, like my Mother, despised Ed; they both had the insight I apparently was not able to see.
Have you ever watched “The Burning Bed” with Farrah Fawcett from 1984? It was based on the story of a woman, after thirteen years of mental, verbal, and physical abuse from her partner, set their bed on fire with him in it. I was obsessed with that movie and watched it all the time. How many times I had wondered if I could pull that off in my world!
I believe things, good or bad, happen for a reason. This one particular day did happen for a reason. It put in motion the next consequence we would all endure from Ed’s actions and my apathetic world I lived in. Dan came home one day from work and made an announcement to me. He said that Ed had shown up late for work that night and did not stay long. Dan said Ed, “take off the damn lipstick all over your face before you show up at home.” Dan made a full confession and told me that this had occurred numerous times.
When I approached Ed about what I was told, Ed, true to form, jumped into victim mode. See, that is where people like him go when they feel cornered. Poor Ed looked me right in the eyes and told me, “Just look what you have driven me to do.” Oh, how us co-dependents jump into savior mode the second that happens. Was he right? What had I done to drive him to do the things he did? That thinking is so crazy to me now, but at that moment is where my mind drifted to.
Suddenly, he needed a meeting – he had to find a way out of the situation. All the years I was connected to AA, I still, to this day, have bad taste in my mouth thinking about my experience with AA. I am not here to dog AA; it is an excellent organization if used properly. Anyone who has been around the organization, you know what I am talking about. I should qualify right here that this is just my experience and opinion and should be considered just that – an opinion. The organization can become just as much an addiction as much as the substance they were running from. What I found was some heartfelt, honest people that were trying to do the right things. However, quite honestly, I found mostly narcissistic self-absorbed “look at me. I drank and did things worse than you did” kind of people. Who had the biggest fish story that particular day. Almost a competition as to who hurt the most people in their lives.
Fortunately or unfortunately, 3M at that time was one of the most outstanding companies that actually valued their employees. They afforded their employees with great benefits and had a terrific human resource department. So much different then compared to the way things are today. They gave him the option of going to an excellent 30-day Rehab program and then return back afterward. Or walk away, adios, strap a good-bye on it, and have a good rest of your life. Of course, he took the opportunity of going to a cushy Rehab Center quite willingly. I should have realized knowing Ed he had some alternative motive somewhere. Ed loved rehab; this would not be his first rodeo, but it would be his last. It was a vacation for him where he could go and charm his way into being FIRST in his class. Did not have to work, still, get paid, always went to the really plush ones, while barking orders at me as what to take him whatever he felt he needed.
I was drained and used up. I had been ridden hard and hung out to dry. I could not hide my misery anymore. I wanted it all to be over finished ended. You see, there comes the point in time where you have two roads ahead of you, and you have to choose one. Was I going to do what I had always done? Be the devoted wife protecting, making excuses for his behavior, and continue a life of LIES. Could I continue to drag my girls through this lie with me?
Ed always portrayed himself as a very forgiving person. Ed professed how he would choose to forgive and move on. Seemed to always forgive people Ed felt had betrayed him. That was just not so; Ed carried a revenge strategy that he held onto till it was perfected enough to pull it off. That is precisely one of the things Ed wanted to do before checking into the rehab facility.
How was he going to get back at Dan for blowing the cover of his ongoing infidelity? We soon found out. Ed had purchased a gun that none of us had any awareness of. The day before he was due to check-in to rehab, Heather and Dan were at our house. He asked Dan to help him move the car in our driveway out of the way when he was gone. Dan was standing right behind the car, and Ed hit the pedal and tried to pin Dan between vehicles. It was horrifying. With the current knowledge about the gun made that moment even more terrifying. We should have reported it to the police, once again, my sickness would not let me call the police on him. In my mind, I justified it with the fact he was leaving, and we would not have to deal with him for a while. The next day, we were checking Ed into a 30-day rehab program.
I did not realize it then, but I too was heading to my second rodeo in a Mental Facility. Heather and Dan were now a couple and had their own place. It was summer, and Krista was not in school. Ed, being gone to a place he had his ego stroked daily and me not having to deal with his mood swings daily as good as it was, it felt uneasy to me. The funny thing about life, when something becomes familiar to you, no matter even if it is killing you, it becomes comfortable. This is a concept that so-called NORMAL PEOPLE just can not phantom. You know that itch you get that drives you nuts, and you scratch it till it bleeds. The pain you feel digging yourself becomes almost pleasure the longer it itches.
About two weeks into Ed’s hiatus, my neurotransmitters misfired or whatever happens when your mental state and physical state collide in a head-on crash. See, I am always good during a crisis; it is after that my mind and body finally catch up. You know those times when you totally function in an emergency. Where you can lift a car off a pinned body. Then you find yourself in the corner in a fetal position sucking on your thumb, literally. That place, I always called “MY BLACK HOLE.” Where you look up, and there is not a trace of light anywhere—the thought of having to do the most straightforward function overwhelms you. Your body can only deal with stress for so long. The link to this Stress Article is a good explanation of what actually happens to your body as you fall deeper and deeper into that hole. https://www.stress.org/daily-life.
Once again, I find myself losing control over everything. It should have been a reprieve time for me, but as seems to be my pattern, I CRASH when least expected. I mentioned earlier that humor was a shield for me. Because I am a master at hiding my feelings, imagine how I felt when I had to tell Heather, Dan, and a couple close friends that I was back in the nuthouse. I really just wanted people to forget me for a while till I could somehow get some sort of grip on reality again.
It was at the same time that Heather informed me that she and Dan were going to live with Dan’s Brother in Florida. They were terrified of Ed (his gun) and his vindictive initiative towards Dan. Just think about that for a minute. Here is a man adored by so many, and they had not a clue just how brutal Ed Daniels could be, except the few of us that really knew Ed. Heather and Dan felt they had no choice but to packed up and hit the road running before Ed was released from rehab. They were leaving, but what was I going to do. I felt totally out of control and the least incompetent person on the earth. I still had a 9-year-old daughter to protect and provide for. Little did I know at that particular time that what I thought was really bad was about to get oh so much worse.
Ed was to be released and to return to his job at 3M Company. I had been hospitalized for around 10 days at that point. Heather and Dan were in Florida, and Krista had gone with her sister. I really had no clue as to what Ed’s release date would be, that in itself was so unnerving.
As an average person would assume was two things. One, he would show up begging for forgiveness, or he would go incognito. Because normality did not seem to be on the menu for me. It would be anyone's guess what Ed’s next move would be. I wasn’t even sure how the hell I would manage this relationship anymore. One thing I could always count on is that I never knew which Ed would show up if he did. Well, I really should have guessed that the Ed with his hand out, would show up first. Promising with all his heart, he had changed. Tears in his eyes all because of how awful he felt about the things he had done. That should have been a big RED FLAG for me, but oh NO. Just because I was on my second go-round with this mental health thing, I obviously had not learned one damn thing.
Before he had gone to rehab, he had had a minor accident. His vehicle would have to go to the auto shop, and he would need transportation, right? As I handed him my American Express Card to rent a car (oh FYI – keep this in the corner of your brain, I promise it will not be the last time you hear about this card). Someone should have slapped me into the next stratosphere when I made that move. He left with the card in hand, and I felt he was on the ole’ road to recovery, and here I was feeling sorry for him because he had no transportation.
There I was, hardly able to make a reasonable decision about what to have for supper, actually handing my only access to any funds I had over to this proven liar. He swears to me it was just for the purpose of back and forth to work.
So let me tell you about Ed’s return to work. Ed had gone to 3M the day he was out of rehab, supposedly to resume his job. Nope, instead, Ed walked into the Human Resource (Bob) person who fought for ED to get help. The person that, after 30 days, held Ed’s job open for him. Ed looked that man straight in the eyes and told him to GO F**K Himself. Ed signed papers to pull all his 401K and other accounts with 3M and walked out the door. The next trip with the rental car was to the bank to withdraw every cent we had to our name. Virtually leaving Krista and me penniless. That encounter I had with Ed was the last encounter I would have with him for the next 10 months.
Next post I will move on to the FORECLOSURE and my move to Florida and beyond. I hope you are either learning something or are in someway being touched. I have to dig deep for some of these memories. You will be taken into my world of ECT's, (which is part of my memory loss issues). I will share my suicide attempts and other struggles I have faced. None of this is done from a victim mode. I believe I have learned so many life lessons because of it all. I believe as bad as some of it was it was a blessing in some ways. So stay with me we have a ways to go to get to justmeSandi
Dear life, when I said, "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
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