…………back to TEXAS
Preface to the next chapter :
It has been a few weeks since my last post, and out of total transparency, I have to tell you that my mental state has slipped in the wrong direction. I was in the “too good to be true” mode after my 6 Ketamine treatments. I thought I had found my miracle. If you are not familiar with that adventure, I will have it chronicled and post it here soon. My whole purpose in doing this BLOG is to openly tell you about my mental health journey most of my life. I hope that it touches someone in a way to have them open up about their struggles. If you don’t, you will never escape the horror of living in that world.
I did not have a good relationship with David’s sister. Now David was gone, and she had sole ownership of the house. I knew I would have to move out as soon as possible even though it was not said outright, the undertone was definitely in the air. It totally alludes me to what vehicle I was driving then, but obviously, I had transportation. I did not even want to think of moving back to my mother's house. I hadn’t totally given up my apartment as of yet. I resided in both places, and things (possessions were scatted between residences) Krista was in school. It would not be long until Christmas would be on the horizon. I decided it would be best to huddle down in the apartment until after the holidays. The northern winter misery would be mostly gone before I left for anywhere.
I had dropped most of my classes at Gannon, and my usual state would be a deep depression. For some reason, my manic side was rearing its ugly head, and I could not keep up with all the thoughts that engulfed my brain day and night. I never realized that this burst of energy was mania. Here once again, I did things that were not really me. I concluded that Krista and I would have a damn good Christmas come hell and high water despite my uncertainty. So what I did next was so totally unreasonable, but outrageous things are what you do when dealing with mania. What seemed totally reasonable to me was I would get a couple of credit cards in my mothers’ name. I had every intention to pay her back, of course (what I did not consider was how)!
Before I knew it, I was BFF with the UPS man. We were definitely on a first name basis. I piled packages and packages in my apartment in every empty corner. I rarely opened any of them. QVC was my first go-to place. I watched it all day and all night. I still had no doctor to be monitoring my issues. I was feeling good being manic, and the time went by very fast. What I have learned over the years is that what goes up must come down, and the higher my hypomanic state, the worse my depression will be. I realized that it is essential to manage depression. Still, it is equally important to take care of myself when I am in a hypomanic state. Of course, back then, I yet had not seen the devil that underlies BiPolar disease.
We got through a good Christmas. Besides financing the holidays, I relied on my cards for everything else in my world. I was, unfortunately, starting to get Credit Demons calling me all day, every day long. The pressure was beginning to mount, and I could feel the mania beginning to subside. I kept telling myself that “Sandi, this to shall pass.” Oh, the lies we tell ourselves. Anything to ease our minds that trouble is on the horizon.
It always does the “shit hit the fan,” and I was found out about the credit cards. After my brother tore me a new ass**** and my mother did her usual “you are worthless” gig,” I felt terrible. I was wrong; there was no excuse I could give myself or anyone else for what I had done. At his point in time, I had no choice but to go with my tail between my legs Back To Texas. Once again, My Brother was the golden child left to pick up the pieces.
Here again, I have lost a lot of detail during the period of planning my trip back. I think I rented a Uhaul, pack Krista and myself up, and just left.
Enter Ed’s son Eddie again. He had an apartment in a little town right outside of Austin in Round Rock, Texas. I believe that Kris and I temporarily moved in with him until I could find a job and a place of my own. Oh, how awful it is to have totally lost so much of your life. I am a curious person by nature, and I always want to know Why and What of most everything. So not being able to fill in the blanks is maddening for me. That situation did not last very long, and that was the only time in my life I ever had any public assistance.
I came across an opportunity to move to a condominium in Austin. I think I was running on an overabundance of adrenaline with a side of depression. Krista and I moved in, and I immediately knew I would have to job hunt in a big way. Finding a job in the early nineties was a whole different exercise. My new habit delayed my efforts. I had made friends with a neighbor at the condominiums. Krista became good friends with her daughter ( Krista and Jade are still friends after all these years). My other new friend was a White Russian, not a racial statement. I never had the urge to medicate with alcohol. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I did not want to take a chance it might become too familiar to me. It must have become pretty familiar really fast. My days consisted of getting up in the morning to a routine. I was also a wee bit OCD about cleaning my house. That was my priority before anything else. After those things were taken care of, I would pick up the vodka (somedays Everclear), Kahlua, and heavy crème tucked in my arms, ready to head to Debbies House. That was how it went most days for what seemed a very long time, but I think it was at most a couple of months in reality. Alcohol and whatever Xanax I could lay my hands on was my life then.
The job-hunting seemed to go on the back burner and a backseat to morning hangovers and drunk afternoons and evenings. I am now so grateful to God for looking after Krista during those couple of months. She had Jade, and basically, that was her only lifeline back then.
I do remember getting a phone call one day from my friend at 3M Company. He was still the HR Manager that had helped Ed many times through his Rehab ventures. I had reached out to him when I first got back to Austin. I hadn’t heard anything from him, and I was not exactly in a job-hunting frame of mind.
I think this is where God intervened once again on my road to disaster. I think God must have given him that nudge to call me finally.
I was placed as an assembler in the fiber optic division. I had to first go through a Temp Agency, but I would take anything I could get at that point. I have no idea where I got ahold of myself and realized I had to make a move now, or it could become horrible in not so long a time.
Because I was going in as a temporary employee, I had to take the overnight shift. I said good-bye to my White Russian friend, no more night time antics. What I did not realize is what that particular shift would do to my already fragile mental health. I had no idea what that would do to start derailing me.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19922558/. This reference can verify my thoughts on that fact. “Effects of night shifts in bipolar disorders and extreme morningness.” I would soon find out just how actual that fact is. It took several years, believe it or not, but I did not escape the effects of my choice to keep that position.
I actually liked my job. It was on an assembly line, but I made some good friends and became close friends with my immediate supervisor. I don’t know if I mentioned one of my “go-to” coping tools is my inherited sense of humor. I really had perfected that early in my life and have gotten almost perfect at it. I walked into that job with a smile on my face, my unfiltered humor, and my ever-present need to fit in. My people-pleasing skill was on high alert, and I was hypervigilant on the topic. Things went reasonably well for a while. Within only 6 months or so, I was given a permanent position at 3M Company.
For four years or so, I actually keep going on that shift. I gathered all my tricks and treats to keep myself going doing that time. I made a fair wage and was able to move from the condo back to Lago Vista. By then, Heather and Dan were back in Lago again, and I managed to get another apartment above where they lived.
My next major crash was on the horizon, and I do not believe I had a clue it was coming. Come back and watch me crumble and fall into my next abyss.
I will try to be more active again. It has been a rough few months, and my writing has paid the price. I also will get a new section on the Ketamine Journey I was on this year.
Bare with me, and I promise you will learn some excellent facts about living this mental health thing that so many people struggle with every day. Some make it, and some don't. I hope I can at some point give you the strength to be one that makes it.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. "
Henry Stanley Haskins
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